The war on Christmas has claimed its first casualty: Thanksgiving.
What was once the sacred time to enjoy family and be grateful for small and simple pleasures has now been replaced with strategic offerings on how to beat the Black Friday rush.
How did we get to this place? Well… it’s been here all along. I remember back when I was twenty-something enjoying the holiday with my family eating turkey, collard greens and sweet potato pie all while watching Detroit and Dallas football games.
At that time, my immediate family was small. So, when the stuffing and conversation wore off, I headed for the meat market known as The Pub. That was the moment I realized the war was beginning.
When I walked through the bar’s front door, all I saw was a full dance floor and aisles cluttered with people filled with libation talking sloppy and poetically stumbling. My first thought wasn’t the usual “What chick can I spit game to?” It was “Why are people working?”.
I’d thought this was time to enjoy your parents’ company and catch up with the siblings. But yet, here I was in a club hunting for women and a buzz.
It wasn’t Thanksgiving anymore.
Another Thanksgiving-ish battle I recall was inside my 1996 Pontiac Grand Am. My wife and I were planning to buy a big screen television for a recently purchased home.
In previous times, we would use Black Friday to take advantage of the gifts we wanted to grab for our loved ones. But not this year. We decided to be selfish and get some of the big ticket items for ourselves. In the midwestern part of the U.S., especially in November, it gets cold. Very Cold! On top of that stress, try having to get up three in the morning to beat any kind of rush to the big box appliance store.
The store, HHGregg, was open at 6 a.m. We “camped out” in the parking two hours prior. My car’s heat was something to be desired. It seemed more like two days while waiting. Finally, we got inside and grabbed our Hitachi 46″ that we still have to this day.
The only problem: It was too big for the car. We had to shell out extra dough for the delivery the following weekend. What made it so sick was the sales guy’s smirk.
I’ve moved lots of TVs and appliances… and THIS is not going into your car.
I hate smirking.
WHAT’S YOUR POINT, FREEZE?!?
The slow march to this new outrage is that we did it to ourselves. We are forever young, horny alcoholics that want the biggest, baddest, more gigabyte gadget cheaper and sooner than last year when we had to wait at midnight. After the turkey dinner, Thanksgiving is no more. It’s just November 28. Companies are taking notice and have taken the “holi” out of the day. While others blame Obama.
Wasn’t the overall purpose of Thanksgiving giving thanks? It’s been swallowed up whole and now a shopping day like the rest of days after it. We can debate about the true origins of Thanksgiving and how we arrived at the modern rendition of it, but the commercialization of Turkey Day is on the rise as we continually whistle pass the graveyard.
R.I.P Thanksgiving. You will be missed.
TURKEY ON A PIZZA PIZZA
One small whole-wheat pita
One-fourth cup marinara sauce
One green onion
Two tablespoons part-skim mozzarella cheese
Three (or six) turkey meatballs
Heat the oven to 475 degrees, wait six minutes, it’s done.*
*Not to be had on Thanksgiving.
LAST WEEK: 7-7
|THU, NOV 14||TIME (ET)|
|Indianapolis at Tennessee||8:25 PM||INDIANAPOLIS|
|SUN, NOV 17||TIME (ET)|
|NY Jets at Buffalo||1:00 PM||NEW YORK|
|Baltimore at Chicago||1:00 PM||CHICAGO|
|Cleveland at Cincinnati||1:00 PM||CINCINNATI|
|Washington at Philadelphia||1:00 PM||PHILADELPHIA|
|Detroit at Pittsburgh||1:00 PM||PITTSBURGH|
|Atlanta at Tampa Bay||1:00 PM||ATLANTA|
|Arizona at Jacksonville||1:00 PM||ARIZONA|
|Oakland at Houston||1:00 PM||HOUSTON|
|San Diego at Miami||4:05 PM||SAN DIEGO|
|San Francisco at New Orleans||4:25 PM||NEW ORLEANS|
|Green Bay at NY Giants||4:25 PM||GREEN BAY|
|Minnesota at Seattle||4:25 PM||SEATTLE|
|Kansas City at Denver||8:30 PM||KANSAS CITY|
|MON, NOV 18||TIME (ET)|
|New England at Carolina||8:30 PM||NEW ENGLAND|
|·Bye: Dallas, St. Louis|
“Willa” from Cincinnati:
“I love to hang around the house. I roam freely with no worries. You have the occasional moving objects and occurring smells, but it comes with the territory, you know. There’s a light-brown pillow I rest on near our fireplace. More like MY fireplace. It’s comforting. My philosophy in life is that stress is my enemy. It’s best not to have it near me. I’m a screamer when I’m stressed.
Which brings me to my mommy… she’s not too bright.
For instance, there’s this S-shaped thingy-mick-jiggy I like to chew on from time to time. I’m so at peace with that thing, it’s like we’re one. But every now and then, my mommy comes up and tries to yank it out of my mouth. First time, it scared the shit out of me.
She’s fucking crazy, I thought to myself.
And she just keeps doing it. Crazy!
Oh… the thing that really gets me going is her obsession with sticks. We often go hiking in this wooded park. She’ll rub me as we walk, and that feels SO GOOD, but she’ll rip off a branch from a tree and, for no reason, randomly throw it off the trail.
I’m thinking she’s obviously crazy, but I figured I’d run and get it for her since she likes branches (and balls) so much. Then, out of the blue, SHE THROWS IT AGAIN!!!
Can you say “loopy”?
Ah… yeah… there’s this one time… when she had this hose out and I was really thirsty too, right? She had the hose hanging above me with the water flowing everywhere. I tried to get my tongue on the water, but she kept moving it. I was screaming but she just laughed like a crazy person.
It drives me nuts.
Something is wrong with her.
It sounds like I’m complaining but… Yeah, she feeds me, lets me me shit anywhere I want and hugs me A LOT.
But I think she’s not sharpest human out there.
But what human is?”
WILLA BEAN WRAP
One whole wheat tortilla
¼ cup of black beans
One or two tablespoons of tomatoes
One or two tablespoons of feta cheese
Two nuked eggs
(Optional) Two slices of turkey deli
Hot sauce to taste
Crack your eggs into a bowl. If you want to, put the black beans in the bowl. Microwave for 2 minutes. Put everything on the tortilla. Roll and there you go!
You got protein and some energy for the afternoon (or fourth meal time).
LAST WEEK: 8-6
|THU, OCT 10||TIME (ET)|
|NY Giants at Chicago||8:25 PM||CHICAGO|
|SUN, OCT 13||TIME (ET)|
|Cincinnati at Buffalo||1:00 PM||CINCINNATI|
|Detroit at Cleveland||1:00 PM||DETROIT|
|Oakland at Kansas City||1:00 PM||KANSAS CITY|
|Carolina at Minnesota||1:00 PM||CAROLINA|
|Pittsburgh at NY Jets||1:00 PM||PITTSBURGH|
|Philadelphia at Tampa Bay||1:00 PM||PHILADELPHIA|
|Green Bay at Baltimore||1:00 PM||GREEN BAY|
|St. Louis at Houston||1:00 PM||HOUSTON|
|Jacksonville at Denver||4:05 PM||DENVER|
|Tennessee at Seattle||4:05 PM||SEATTLE|
|Arizona at San Francisco||4:25 PM||SAN FRANCISCO|
|New Orleans at New England||4:25 PM||NEW ORLEANS|
|Washington at Dallas||8:30 PM||DALLAS|
|MON, OCT 14||TIME (ET)|
|Indianapolis at San Diego||8:30 PM||INDIANAPOLIS|
|·Bye: Atlanta, Miami|
Being in the hospital sucks.
Having to work on your mobile computer through your stay really sucks.
Lucky for me, I didn’t have to stay the night. The doctor told me I’d be leaping buildings in a single bound in no time. Currently, it takes me about two or three tries.
During the surgery and between incisions, I had knocked out some work on my trusty laptop. So I thought.
It turns out that my evil nemesis hacked my secret account and was planning to copy my information and sell it on the black market. What made matters worse, I sensed a nefarious presence. I had thought it was the bad chili from the cafeteria, but I was mistaken.
I immediately turned to the doctor and asked if I could use her scalpel. She wanted to see my ID. I knew then it was a trap. Because there’s no such thing as a woman doctor. It was her, my nemesis.
You wouldn’t hit a girl, would you Mr. Freeze?
She was clever. And right.
While you were resting in Canton, I only got stronger. Thank you, Obamacare! Now, the government won’t stand between me and my patients. And most importantly, I lied when I told you about the leaping. THERE ARE NO BOUNDS OR BUILDINGS. I DESTROYED THEM ALL!!! BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
From the years I’ve dealt with the evil fake doctor woman, I knew her chattiness was her weakness. As she rambled, I programmed my laptop to transform into a live Pinterest page of kittens. She was distracted by the cute and I again foiled her plan to destroy me and I was finally able to…
… get my work done.
One cup of peanut butter
One cup of honey
Three cups of oatmeal
One cup of your nuts of choice (peanuts, dried fruit, dried cranberries)
One cup of chocolate chips
1/2 cup of flaxseed
Depending on how you ball them up, you can 20, 30 or even 40 balls. You may smash them flat to make them cookies or stick them in a muffin tray for a cup. Regardless of how you do it, you will gain power and energy. It’s good for you.
Up, up and away!
LAST WEEK: 9-6
|Buffalo at Cleveland||8:25 PM||BUFFALO|
|SUN, OCT 6||TIME (ET)|
|New Orleans at Chicago||1:00 PM||NEW ORLEANS|
|New England at Cincinnati||1:00 PM||NEW ENGLAND|
|Detroit at Green Bay||1:00 PM||DETROIT|
|Kansas City at Tennessee||1:00 PM||KANSAS CITY|
|Seattle at Indianapolis||1:00 PM||SEATTLE|
|Jacksonville at St. Louis||1:00 PM||ST. LOUIS|
|Baltimore at Miami||1:00 PM||MIAMI|
|Philadelphia at NY Giants||1:00 PM||PHILADELPHIA|
|Carolina at Arizona||4:05 PM||ARIZONA|
|Denver at Dallas||4:25 PM||DENVER|
|Houston at San Francisco||8:30 PM||HOUSTON|
|San Diego at Oakland||11:35 PM||OAKLAND|
|MON, OCT 7||TIME (ET)|
|NY Jets at Atlanta||8:30 PM||ATLANTA|
|·Bye: Minnesota, Pittsburgh, Tampa Bay, Washington|