The names and locations are fictional, the directions are in bold but the car is mine and stories are true, sort of.
There are old houses and trendy eateries with gluten-free selections littered across this storied neighborhood with the original bricks paved onto the roads. It’s bumpy every time I’m here.
My first ride, Michelle cascaded toward the car. I wanted to take a picture to pique any paparazzi interest she might have while in her driveway. Sliding inside, she raised her finger to adjust her sunglasses then proceeded to do her best Audrey Hepburn.
“I want to pick up my friend. She is right around the corner when you get to Literary.” You look much different with a mustache, Michael.
I remembered then by doing this line of work, they’ll know what I look like as well as my car. I almost felt like a celebrity, too.
This is what I got it in for, other than the extra cash: Serving people. Driving is exciting. Communicating with others is what I do for a salary. Combining the two is a dream job, I guess.
Everybody is thankful for my presence. The drunker, the more grateful they become. But today, I figured I could help a damsel in distress who needs to get to work.
Coming off the left turn from Literary Street, Michelle and I discussed the remaining time of summer and cookouts that were rained out. She had an impromptu party to plan and needed a cleaner for her home.
She was in luck. Her friend, Rachel, a petite flower with a charming nose ring and calming voice, had a cousin who was a housekeeper. Her prices were cheap too.
We stopped outside Rachel’s home as she flowed off her front porch as Michelle did minus the pageant wave. She nestled into my front seat and lean into a solid Anne Hathaway pose.
“It’s best to get on Harmony, it’s a one-way, then left on Morrison Ave.”
Accountants at a boutique store on the far West side, the ladies described their work through the wrath of their manager who doesn’t listen effectively enough for Rachel’s tastes.
I told her when I was hired, I’m going to China for a month, then a weeding in Chicago. So, I needed September and some of October off. She just looked at me and said, “Okay”. She is just there because someone owed her a favor. Uggghh. She is so difficult.
Using her iPhone as a mirror to review her brushstrokes, Michelle nodded in agreement and explained to Rachel that life was easier during their days as baristas. The nose ring slightly tilted as Rachel chuckled then turned to me to drop some knowledge.
You know… you can tell a lot about a person when they order coffee.
With a few blocks from our destination, she grabbed my attention.
Black women always want extra caramel. No matter what, never fails! Old school people like black coffee and are to the point with you. But if there’s a guy who wants anything and everything with decaf, they’re either gay or an asshole.
After I called her out on her generalizations, she offered proof of her findings.
Oh! I tested my theory. There was this guy who went crazy with demands for decaf. He asked for my number and we went out on a date. He was a big time prick.
“You’ll want to make a left here…”
I thought I’d give him another shot. That time, I was drunk when he picked me up. We went to a bowling alley, drank some more and he still was an asshole.
“Pull into this driveway…”
Valid, I said. An asshole is an asshole. The ladies granted me sincere salutations and were on their way. Maybe the next time I enter a Starbucks, I’ll order black coffee with extra caramel.
What does coffee say about you? Leave a comment!
Last Week: 11-5
Best start ever. In history. Yay me!
Picks are in bold
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 11
PITTSBURGH STEELERS AT BALTIMORE RAVENS — 8:25 p.m.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 14
MIAMI DOLPHINS AT BUFFALO BILLS — 1:00 p.m.
DETROIT LIONS AT CAROLINA PANTHERS — 1:00 p.m.
ATLANTA FALCONS AT CINCINNATI BENGALS — 1:00 p.m.
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS AT CLEVELAND BROWNS — 1:00 p.m.
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS AT MINNESOTA VIKINGS — 1:00 p.m.
ARIZONA CARDINALS AT N.Y. GIANTS — 1:00 p.m.
DALLAS COWBOYS AT TENNESSEE TITANS — 1:00 p.m.
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS AT WASHINGTON REDSKINS — 1:00 p.m.
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS AT SAN DIEGO CHARGERS — 4:05 p.m
ST. LOUIS RAMS AT TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS — 4:05 p.m.
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS AT DENVER BRONCOS — 4:25 p.m.
N.Y. JETS AT GREEN BAY PACKERS — 4:25 p.m.
HOUSTON TEXANS AT OAKLAND RAIDERS — 4:25 p.m.
CHICAGO BEARS AT SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS — 8:30 p.m.
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 15
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES AT INDIANAPOLIS COLTS — 8:30 p.m.
The war on Christmas has claimed its first casualty: Thanksgiving.
What was once the sacred time to enjoy family and be grateful for small and simple pleasures has now been replaced with strategic offerings on how to beat the Black Friday rush.
How did we get to this place? Well… it’s been here all along. I remember back when I was twenty-something enjoying the holiday with my family eating turkey, collard greens and sweet potato pie all while watching Detroit and Dallas football games.
At that time, my immediate family was small. So, when the stuffing and conversation wore off, I headed for the meat market known as The Pub. That was the moment I realized the war was beginning.
When I walked through the bar’s front door, all I saw was a full dance floor and aisles cluttered with people filled with libation talking sloppy and poetically stumbling. My first thought wasn’t the usual “What chick can I spit game to?” It was “Why are people working?”.
I’d thought this was time to enjoy your parents’ company and catch up with the siblings. But yet, here I was in a club hunting for women and a buzz.
It wasn’t Thanksgiving anymore.
Another Thanksgiving-ish battle I recall was inside my 1996 Pontiac Grand Am. My wife and I were planning to buy a big screen television for a recently purchased home.
In previous times, we would use Black Friday to take advantage of the gifts we wanted to grab for our loved ones. But not this year. We decided to be selfish and get some of the big ticket items for ourselves. In the midwestern part of the U.S., especially in November, it gets cold. Very Cold! On top of that stress, try having to get up three in the morning to beat any kind of rush to the big box appliance store.
The store, HHGregg, was open at 6 a.m. We “camped out” in the parking two hours prior. My car’s heat was something to be desired. It seemed more like two days while waiting. Finally, we got inside and grabbed our Hitachi 46″ that we still have to this day.
The only problem: It was too big for the car. We had to shell out extra dough for the delivery the following weekend. What made it so sick was the sales guy’s smirk.
I’ve moved lots of TVs and appliances… and THIS is not going into your car.
I hate smirking.
WHAT’S YOUR POINT, FREEZE?!?
The slow march to this new outrage is that we did it to ourselves. We are forever young, horny alcoholics that want the biggest, baddest, more gigabyte gadget cheaper and sooner than last year when we had to wait at midnight. After the turkey dinner, Thanksgiving is no more. It’s just November 28. Companies are taking notice and have taken the “holi” out of the day. While others blame Obama.
Wasn’t the overall purpose of Thanksgiving giving thanks? It’s been swallowed up whole and now a shopping day like the rest of days after it. We can debate about the true origins of Thanksgiving and how we arrived at the modern rendition of it, but the commercialization of Turkey Day is on the rise as we continually whistle pass the graveyard.
R.I.P Thanksgiving. You will be missed.
TURKEY ON A PIZZA PIZZA
One small whole-wheat pita
One-fourth cup marinara sauce
One green onion
Two tablespoons part-skim mozzarella cheese
Three (or six) turkey meatballs
Heat the oven to 475 degrees, wait six minutes, it’s done.*
*Not to be had on Thanksgiving.
LAST WEEK: 7-7
|THU, NOV 14||TIME (ET)|
|Indianapolis at Tennessee||8:25 PM||INDIANAPOLIS|
|SUN, NOV 17||TIME (ET)|
|NY Jets at Buffalo||1:00 PM||NEW YORK|
|Baltimore at Chicago||1:00 PM||CHICAGO|
|Cleveland at Cincinnati||1:00 PM||CINCINNATI|
|Washington at Philadelphia||1:00 PM||PHILADELPHIA|
|Detroit at Pittsburgh||1:00 PM||PITTSBURGH|
|Atlanta at Tampa Bay||1:00 PM||ATLANTA|
|Arizona at Jacksonville||1:00 PM||ARIZONA|
|Oakland at Houston||1:00 PM||HOUSTON|
|San Diego at Miami||4:05 PM||SAN DIEGO|
|San Francisco at New Orleans||4:25 PM||NEW ORLEANS|
|Green Bay at NY Giants||4:25 PM||GREEN BAY|
|Minnesota at Seattle||4:25 PM||SEATTLE|
|Kansas City at Denver||8:30 PM||KANSAS CITY|
|MON, NOV 18||TIME (ET)|
|New England at Carolina||8:30 PM||NEW ENGLAND|
|·Bye: Dallas, St. Louis|
On the way home today, the recent construction was taking its toll on my street. What would usually take five minutes took nearly two hours. The slow crawl of traffic led me to the woman with the “Slow/Stop” sign. The saving grace was the day that was as warm as her smile.
You must be loving this day, right?
Once she heard my voice, her face turned to stone. The sign in her hand transformed into a weapon.
Love is too young to know what conscience is, Yet who know not conscience is born of love?
My first thought was “Holy virtuous resolutions. She must be having a bad day with her man.” But ultimately, I understood her situation. Love is so complicated, especially in the beginning. And definitely, if you’re doing someone you’re not supposed to be doing, ya dig?
The construction lady was on the wrong side of it, I guess. Like the child Cupid, love is too immature to know what the conscience is. But everybody realizes it’s born of love, right? That’s how I see it.
Are you going to move, buddy?
Honking horns and slight obscenities later, I realized it was time to move on. Goodbye, my new friend. Triumph in love. Until we meet again tomorrow.
Tilapia Talk Back for Two
Two tilapia filets
Two tablespoons mustard
1/2 cup chopped pecans
Honey to taste
Use a tablespoon of mustard on each filet.
Dump in the egg in a baggie. Shake it.
Take your pecans. Smash them. Roll the egg-soaked filet in it.
Preheat the oven for 350 degrees.
12 minutes in the oven. Then, drizzle it in honey.
I love seafood. It’s brain food. My wife hates seafood. But I still love her. Boo! Enjoy.
LAST WEEK: 9-6
|Carolina at Tampa Bay||8:25 PM||CAROLINA|
|SUN, OCT 27||TIME (ET)|
|Dallas at Detroit||1:00 PM||DALLAS|
|Cleveland at Kansas City||1:00 PM||KANSAS CITY|
|Miami at New England||1:00 PM||NEW ENGLAND|
|Buffalo at New Orleans||1:00 PM||NEW ORLEANS|
|NY Giants at Philadelphia||1:00 PM||PHILADELPHIA|
|San Francisco at Jacksonville||1:00 PM||SAN FRANCISCO|
|NY Jets at Cincinnati||4:05 PM||CINCINNATI|
|Pittsburgh at Oakland||4:05 PM||PITTSBURGH|
|Washington at Denver||4:25 PM||DENVER|
|Atlanta at Arizona||4:25 PM||ATLANTA|
|Green Bay at Minnesota||8:30 PM||GREEN BAY|
|MON, OCT 28||TIME (ET)|
|Seattle at St. Louis||8:30 PM||SEATTLE|
|·Bye: Chicago, Tennessee, Indianapolis, San Diego, Baltimore, Houston|
October 18 is my mother’s birthday.
More than my mother, she’s my friend. She’s one of my wife’s best friends and talks to her more than I do.
For her last birthday, we took her to Disney as part of her bucket list. It was also the first time she rode a plane. Moving about with two new knees, Mom wasn’t too keen on being active at the airport until she learned of wheelchair assistance. I think she didn’t lay one foot on the ground while at Orlando or Akron-Canton. It makes me long for the day that I’m elderly. But movement was not a problem that week. She was ridin’ dirty in her scooter.
Back to the plane… As we were boarding from Akron-Canton, I had to tell the closest attendant that this was my mother’s maiden voyage via sky. He then gave my mother a slight sigh.
Honey, you get to go First Class!
Yes honey, that’s how we do it around here!
Mom thought she won the lottery. Leather seat in a row all to herself; she felt like a queen… until takeoff. As the plane marched unto the runway, my mother’s face was covered not wanting to take a peek out the window or anywhere near the cabin. She noticed a slight tilt that steadily increased. Looking at the window, she saw I-77 get smaller until her focus was on the horizon. I didn’t hear any screams, so I assumed she was still intact. One hour in, I asked how she was doing.
How fast are we going?
Like 55 mph?
Once she had gotten over the shock of our speed, she had one more question.
What are those white things outside?
The white puffy things.
Happy Birthday, Mom!
MOMMA’S MORNING MOUTHFUL
A cup of milk
3/4 cup of oatmeal
1/2 cup of strawberries/blueberries or any berries
A tablespoon of pecans or almonds
A teaspoon of whey protein or isolate
” ” ” ground flaxseed
A teaspoon of yogurt
1/2 sliced banana
Mix the first six ingredients in a bowl and nuke it for about two minutes. After it’s not so hot anymore, slap on the banana slices and dap the yogurt on it.
Who needs coffee? You got energy for the day, right there. Let’s run some laps around Magic Kingdom!
LAST WEEK: 11-4
|THU, OCT 17||TIME (ET)|
|Seattle at Arizona||8:25 PM||SEATTLE|
|SUN, OCT 20||TIME (ET)|
|Tampa Bay at Atlanta||1:00 PM||ATLANTA|
|Cincinnati at Detroit||1:00 PM||CINCINNATI|
|Buffalo at Miami||1:00 PM||MIAMI|
|New England at NY Jets||1:00 PM||NEW ENGLAND|
|Dallas at Philadelphia||1:00 PM||PHILADELPHIA|
|Chicago at Washington||1:00 PM||CHICAGO|
|St. Louis at Carolina||1:00 PM||ST. LOUIS|
|San Diego at Jacksonville||1:00 PM||SAN DIEGO|
|San Francisco at Tennessee||4:05 PM||SAN FRANCISCO|
|Cleveland at Green Bay||4:25 PM||GREEN BAY|
|Houston at Kansas City||4:25 PM||KANSAS CITY|
|Baltimore at Pittsburgh||4:25 PM||PITTSBURGH|
|Denver at Indianapolis||8:30 PM||DENVER|
|MON, OCT 21||TIME (ET)|
|Minnesota at NY Giants||8:30 PM||NEW YORK|
|·Bye: Oakland, New Orleans|
Being in the hospital sucks.
Having to work on your mobile computer through your stay really sucks.
Lucky for me, I didn’t have to stay the night. The doctor told me I’d be leaping buildings in a single bound in no time. Currently, it takes me about two or three tries.
During the surgery and between incisions, I had knocked out some work on my trusty laptop. So I thought.
It turns out that my evil nemesis hacked my secret account and was planning to copy my information and sell it on the black market. What made matters worse, I sensed a nefarious presence. I had thought it was the bad chili from the cafeteria, but I was mistaken.
I immediately turned to the doctor and asked if I could use her scalpel. She wanted to see my ID. I knew then it was a trap. Because there’s no such thing as a woman doctor. It was her, my nemesis.
You wouldn’t hit a girl, would you Mr. Freeze?
She was clever. And right.
While you were resting in Canton, I only got stronger. Thank you, Obamacare! Now, the government won’t stand between me and my patients. And most importantly, I lied when I told you about the leaping. THERE ARE NO BOUNDS OR BUILDINGS. I DESTROYED THEM ALL!!! BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
From the years I’ve dealt with the evil fake doctor woman, I knew her chattiness was her weakness. As she rambled, I programmed my laptop to transform into a live Pinterest page of kittens. She was distracted by the cute and I again foiled her plan to destroy me and I was finally able to…
… get my work done.
One cup of peanut butter
One cup of honey
Three cups of oatmeal
One cup of your nuts of choice (peanuts, dried fruit, dried cranberries)
One cup of chocolate chips
1/2 cup of flaxseed
Depending on how you ball them up, you can 20, 30 or even 40 balls. You may smash them flat to make them cookies or stick them in a muffin tray for a cup. Regardless of how you do it, you will gain power and energy. It’s good for you.
Up, up and away!
LAST WEEK: 9-6
|Buffalo at Cleveland||8:25 PM||BUFFALO|
|SUN, OCT 6||TIME (ET)|
|New Orleans at Chicago||1:00 PM||NEW ORLEANS|
|New England at Cincinnati||1:00 PM||NEW ENGLAND|
|Detroit at Green Bay||1:00 PM||DETROIT|
|Kansas City at Tennessee||1:00 PM||KANSAS CITY|
|Seattle at Indianapolis||1:00 PM||SEATTLE|
|Jacksonville at St. Louis||1:00 PM||ST. LOUIS|
|Baltimore at Miami||1:00 PM||MIAMI|
|Philadelphia at NY Giants||1:00 PM||PHILADELPHIA|
|Carolina at Arizona||4:05 PM||ARIZONA|
|Denver at Dallas||4:25 PM||DENVER|
|Houston at San Francisco||8:30 PM||HOUSTON|
|San Diego at Oakland||11:35 PM||OAKLAND|
|MON, OCT 7||TIME (ET)|
|NY Jets at Atlanta||8:30 PM||ATLANTA|
|·Bye: Minnesota, Pittsburgh, Tampa Bay, Washington|
When I was a young, handsome eighth grade lad at Souers Junior High, I shared a study hall with a kid named A.J. (the name protects the innocent). One time after study hall, he was excited to tell me about the new Phil Collins tape (Yes, tape. Not CD or download), No Jacket Required. In addition to how holy shit on a cracker awesome the album was, what intrigued me the most was the clear exterior. At that moment, I thought it was the greatest innovation of music technology.
Soon after, many artists during that time followed suit with the transparent presentation. Since then, delivery of music hasn’t been to exciting for me. No clear anything. Just download this! It’s like prostitution. Quick and no affection.
Like an album, there was something about holding a tangible object with coiled tape that projected music to your ears. You mouthed along the lyrics if they were provided. You enjoyed the cover and sleeve art. Even read the side notes and thank yous. Now, it’s download from iTunes and fuck the rest. I miss the thought that was put into an artist’s notes. It was a chance to see what Phil was thinking and what he was playing on “Take Me Home.” There are Grammies given to the best album notes. This is an important part of music that is getting undervalued.
But I digress.
Fast forward 30 years later, A.J. passively says pictures of food on social media is unbecoming. But this is what I do. Pontificate about random thoughts and throw up a recipe with some football predictions. Again, I’m rambling. In honor of my friend A.J., I present to you the A.J. Avocado Morning Wrap:
A.J. Avocado Morning Wrap
• One whole wheat tortilla
• Two slices of turkey deli
• Two eggs, nuked
• A half of an avocado, sliced
• Two tablespoons of Mexican blend cheese
A good way to start your day. Lots of protein and libido fuel. Who needs coffee? Who am I fooling? I needs me some coffee. Peace out
LAST WEEK: 10-6
|Kansas City at Philadelphia||8:25 PM||KANSAS CITY|
|SUN, SEP 22|
|Green Bay at Cincinnati||1:00 PM||GREEN BAY|
|St. Louis at Dallas||1:00 PM||DALLAS|
|San Diego at Tennessee||1:00 PM||SAN DIEGO|
|Cleveland at Minnesota||1:00 PM||MINNESOTA|
|Tampa Bay at New England||1:00 PM||NEW ENGLAND|
|Arizona at New Orleans||1:00 PM||NEW ORLEANS|
|Detroit at Washington||1:00 PM||DETROIT|
|NY Giants at Carolina||1:00 PM||NY GIANTS|
|Houston at Baltimore||1:00 PM||HOUSTON|
|Atlanta at Miami||4:05 PM||ATLANTA|
|Buffalo at NY Jets||4:25 PM||BUFFALO|
|Indianapolis at San Francisco||4:25 PM||SAN FRANCISCO|
|Jacksonville at Seattle||4:25 PM||SEATTLE|
|Chicago at Pittsburgh||8:30 PM||CHICAGO|
|MON, SEP 23|
|Oakland at Denver||8:30 PM||DENVER|